Silhouette

 

Silhouette

Preface:  this is progress. I’m NOT preemptively jotting down a disclaimer before attempting to express myself. I am writing you directly while still not being able to reach you personally. That’s like 2-2 and a half wins in my win column already. 

My heart beats for you alone, still. I have zero pictures of you, no handwritten notes.. Jotting down, let alone sounding your name out gives me panic attacks. My heart races, heart pumps and blood flows way too fast. I’m definitely looking back on affectionate rates in a loving light but forcing myself to stay goal oriented. I still avoid smiling at your name when I see it to lessen risks. I used to knock down pins using aliases admiringly. I used to argue with myself half ordering and sending roses, chocolates and emails into the abyss. Sure it felt amazing but it proved futile. 2 decades spent anticipating letters back..  I even closed and locked the door hoping I’d hear knocks.